I Am Scared

God, how to even start this one... I'll do my best, but this one might be a bit jumbled, which is kind of perfect since that is how I feel right now: jumbled, scrambled, in tatters, in pieces. Why? Because tomorrow is the day I move back up to Bloomington. Tomorrow is the day I have to learn to live on my own. I have to do everything on my own. And honestly, I don't know if I can.

So yes, tomorrow I move into a new house with my amazing roommates. I'm beyond excited about having a house instead of being in an apartment or dorm. But I'm also so scared I could cry. I don't know how to cook anymore since I can't walk without support, I can't shower without sitting on the tub floor, I can't pluck my eyebrows in the bathroom mirror without my legs shaking so bad I pinch my skin with the tweezers. I have to learn how to do my whole life again all the while attending classes and getting good grades.

That's another thing. Make that another two things. Everyone who knows me knows I am the worst about attending classes. I get super depressed then I miss class, then get anxiety about missing class and miss more class. I fall into an awful cycle of depression and anxiety until I fall in such a deep hole I can't get out. So my attendance is awful and I hate myself for it. Now I'm in a wheelchair... well, let's be honest, this definitely won't help anything when I have to push myself in a crappy wheelchair over a mile up hill to get to a class I probably won't even like. Let alone when the weather turns and B-town is covered in five inches of snow plus an inch of ice. I think once I get my custom made wheelchair, it will get better. The chair I have now really just sucks. I'm going to be exhausted after half a mile of pushing myself and I'll just have to keep going.

Then, after attending the classes and getting exhausted and sore, I'm gonna have to go to my new house to take care of myself, then I'll have to do my classwork. I'm gonna be dead, but I'll have to do the homework, write the papers, and study the books.

Kill me.

I need to do well academically this year. I really do. Confession time - I've failed classes. That's right. Not just one, not just two, but three classes I've received a big, fat F. I need to get my grades back on track. I can't fail anymore. I just can't. I'm not used to not doing well in school and it is destroying my confidence. With everything else that is going to be taking place, I am genuinely and truly concerned about how well I'll be able to do academically.

I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm terrified! Of what? Of failing. Of getting there and crumbling to pieces and being nothing. Of doing nothing. Of being nothing. It really feels like I'm all over the place. I feel so despondent about the future but I also at times feel like I got this. Most of all, I feel out of control. All my insecurities of coming forth and all the monsters are back. I'm stressing about everything including how much I'm stressing.

Add to that the fact that I'm leaving all my family behind - I've never felt so vulnerable. For the first time in my life I don't feel strong and capable. My neck is bared and enemies are all around me. I try, I really try, to be okay. So many people believe in me, they think the world of me, they think I'm strong and brave and confident. I'm not.

I. Am. Scared.

And I'm terrified of disappointing everyone who believes in me because I have so many failures left in my life. Maybe I was wrong and the failure itself isn't what scares me, it's what people will think of me when it happens. That they will see I'm not the person they think I am because I wasn't strong enough to get through it. That I wasn't brave enough to conquer it. That I wasn't confident in my own abilities and hid away like a frightened child instead of facing it.

But that's the truth, isn't it? This is the part where I'm supposed to write something about overcoming and being alright. Just like in real life, however, I don't always overcome. Sometimes I fail and go home to cry about it. Right now, I don't feel like everything is going to be okay. I'm going to struggle and I'm scared about that. I'm scared that my disease and disability are going to win and I'm never going to accomplish anything. I'm scared that I'm going to die without positively changing anyone's life.

I want so much. I'm the same as every other person with hopes and dreams. Right now, they just feel so unattainable and I'm tired. I'm so tired all the time having to do so much extra than everyone else. I know that's selfish. I know there are people that struggle too, trust me I know. I understand everyone has problems and struggles, but sometimes this just feels like so much. It's so heavy though.

I'm gonna be okay. I know I'll get through this. I just feel like something's gotta give, you know? Once I get my new wheelchair things will get better. I believe that as I gain confidence I will overcome this. Right now, I just can't breathe because of fear. The fear will abate once I'm living up there. My friends will hug me and remind me that life sucks for everyone but that I'm not alone and everything will be okay.

That's it for this time. That's all I got. Thank you everyone who is in my life, be it in real life or silently reading this post. You are the reason I haven't given up yet. You give me the strength to get through.

XOXO

~ JessaSage ~