What Night Brings
- Jessica A. Sagebiel
- Jun 21, 2017
- 3 min read
Photo by Bureau of Land Management. Aspen, CO.
A little girl of five laid awake at night and listened to the footsteps of monsters stomping up and down the hallway just outside her room. They would get closer and closer, so close that she swore they couldn't possibly be that loud and still be outside her room. She would cry silently at night until she passed out from exhaustion. The monsters also lived under her bed waiting to drag her under and in her closet waiting to pull her in. The darkness held all the monsters she didn't want to admit existed in the people around her while she was awake.
A young adolescent stayed awake at night and reveled in the darkness that hid her. She walked all around her neighborhood with music blasting through her headphones, closing out the world except what she chose to hear and see. This world of stars and music protected her from her own thoughts and life at home. This was what she chose not what was being forced upon her. She would walk and walk until 3 or 4 am before going home and sleeping only to wake up for school the next day.
Both of these girls were exhausted and both of these girls grew up to be the same person. I'll admit, my relationship with the night is a conflicting one. Sometimes, I find myself once again in my five-year-old mindset: the darkness of the night brings forth my demons. Things I don't ever want to think about but that crash over me as I search for the restfulness of sleep. These nights leave me feeling sallow. My skin feels stretched. My muscles ache. My eyes burn.
But sometimes, I find myself in my adolescent state of thinking. I feel the urge to feel the cool air of the night and stand under the starry sky. I feel liberated and embrace the darkness that protected me once just as it also terrified me. This is a time for emotional release, freedom from being watched and judged, and a time to find peace. These nights leave me with new realizations about myself, my surroundings, and my life choices.
These two options are not great. They happen because the only time I am honest with myself is when I feel loneliest and I only have my own self to keep company with. Both of these nights are important for my personal development. The first option that leaves me as a anxious, stressed, and just plain tired mess keep me from hiding my past inside my mind to be ignored, not dealt with. The second leaves me dealing with the nightmares that previously kept me and reaching inner peace. Eventually, that is. First I have to go through the emotional turmoil of getting to the acceptance part.
Ultimately, the night brings silence which is what truly haunts and frees me. The silence forces me to reflect inward and actually deal with whatever it is at the time that is causing me stress. Sometimes the experience is negative, sometimes it's positive, sometimes there is no resolution reached one way or the other and those memories or thoughts are left for another sleepless night.
Regardless, I get to go into the night knowing that no matter what kind of evening it ends up being, dawn is always what comes next. And daylight means a new beginning and a new chance of working through things with those who I value in my life rather than by myself drowning in loneliness. The people who are in my life currently are all beautiful people. We all have different ideals and beliefs, different religions and majors, different sexualities and backgrounds. We give each other something we don't inherently bring on our own. And most importantly, we all love each other.
So, in conclusion, the night brings me closure but at the cost of my sleep. What it seems I need to do is just be open and upfront with my people so that at night, I can sleep and rest and feel rejuvenated. My brain and heart still like to pretend I am alone in the world even though I'm not. I just need to get over myself and open up. But nothing is ever that easy so I'm doing my best to take baby steps. Here's to hoping I can learn to be more trusting.
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